


Mercutio Makes a Discord

by TheEvilSnuffleupagus



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, King Lear - Shakespeare, Macbeth - Shakespeare, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Humor, chatfic, i am bad at tagging.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 15,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEvilSnuffleupagus/pseuds/TheEvilSnuffleupagus
Summary: The PvP Zone-> Horatio joined your party.Horatio: What’s this?Truck 1: owo?Horatio: Oh no.
Relationships: Hamlet/Horatio (Hamlet), Hamlet/Ophelia (Hamlet), Juliet Capulet/Ophelia (Hamlet), Juliet Capulet/Romeo Montague, Mercutio/Benvolio Montague
Comments: 188
Kudos: 196





	1. Mercutio Makes a Discord

**The PvP Zone**

-> Horatio joined your party.

Horatio: What’s this?

Truck 1: owo?

Horatio: Oh no.

Mer-cutie-o: Cool, everyone’s here! 

CheckYesJuliet: Why does this exist and why was I added to it?

Mer-cutie-o: Welcome to my Discord server! Consisting of every person I have on Discord!

Tybalt: i’m going to break your fucking spine

Tybalt: why would you put me in the same chat as these fuckers

Mer-cutie-o: I’ve got to head to rehearsal, have fun while I’m gone!

Whoreatio: Who changed my nickname?

Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way: only one member of this server can do that. take a wild fuckin guess.

Whoreatio: Oh, hey Hamlet. Did you give Mercutio my Discord?

Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way: ...maybe

OwOphelia: This is what we get for being associated with him.

Truck 2: you guys know you can change your own nicknames, right?

Laertes: then why are you guys still Truck 1 and 2???

Truck 2: oh, we were the ones who did that in the first place

Horatio: Who are you two? Rose and Gil?

Truck 1: that’s us! rosenstern and guildencrantz at your service!

KobraKid: your names are confusing enough without mashing them together

RMontague: did you really just change the edgy nickname that mercutio gave you to a different less obviously edgy nickname

KobraKid: you can’t say shit cause you recognized it

RMontague: i only recognize it because you have your shitty my chemical romance music on blast every time i come over to buy vape pods

KobraKid: then stop coming over to buy vape pods

RMontague: then how will i make my sick tiktok videos where i show people how to do cool vape tricks, huh? 

Tybalt: just delete your fucking tiktok. delete it. you have like 5 followers.

RMontague: fuck off, i had one video that got like a thousand views. besides, juliet likes them. isn’t that right, babe?

RMontague: ...babe?

**Cool Girlz Squad**

CheckYesJuliet: Oh my god I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t watch his TikToks and I never will

CheckYesJuliet: Like yeah I’ve promo’d his acc on my own TikTok and everything but I don’t actually watch anything he makes

CheckYesJuliet: And why would I??? He has like 200 videos of him doing vape tricks and vibing to Cucko or whatever it’s called

Cordelia: Cuco?

CheckYesJuliet: Yeah that

CheckYesJuliet: I feel kinda bad but I have more important things to be doing

Ophelia: Why don’t you just tell him that?

CheckYesJuliet: Because he’s going to be so annoying about it! He’ll pretend that it’s perfectly fine and he understands and whatever and then he’s going to post videos of him crying while Slow Dancing in the Dark by Joji plays in the background and change his profile picture to a black background or something

Ophelia: Dude I think you should break up with him

CheckYesJuliet: No it’s not that I don’t love him or anything

CheckYesJuliet: He’s just annoying sometimes

Ophelia: I think you’re just scared to break up with him cause y’all have been together since eighth grade or whatever

Ophelia: But honestly I can’t judge considering I’m dating Hamlet

Ophelia: You do you, live your best life with your whiny e-boy

Ophelia: You did say that he always came up with the most romantic dates

CheckYesJuliet: …well...

Ophelia: Oh no is he slacking on the dates

CheckYesJuliet: I said that in like, grade 9. I thought being gifted a plastic snowman bracelet after being taken to see Frozen was the pinnacle of romance.

CheckYesJuliet: And back then I guess it was! He put so much thought into that date!

CheckYesJuliet: But now we just sit in his room while he reads me his weird romantic poetry

CheckYesJuliet: I have no idea how he manages to write so many of those on a monthly basis

CheckYesJuliet: It takes hours to get through all of them

Ophelia: Juliet… sweetie… break up with him

Cordelia: Aw, I think you should try talking to him. Tell him what you think could be improved in the relationship :)

CheckYesJuliet: I guess I’ll try…

**The PvP Zone**

Benvolio: @Mer-cutie-o Where are you? You were still in costume when you left

Benvolio: This wasn’t even a dress rehearsal, I have no idea why you put that on.

Truck 1: o shit the stage manager sounds mad

Truck 2: r.i.p mercutio

Benvolio: I’m not mad, just disappointed.

Mer-cutie-o: Omg babe I’m sorry I forgot I was wearing it :’’’’( 

Benvolio: It’s fine, just return it

CheckYesJuliet: Hey everyone

RMontague: juliet, tell tybalt that you like my tiktoks please

Ophelia: Holy shit you’re still talking about that?

CheckYesJuliet: I’ve never watched your TikToks. I’m sorry, I’m just really busy and I already get distracted too easily.

Tybalt: don’t apologize for not watching his shitty videos

RMontague: ok that’s okay

Mer-cutie-o: Lmao he already blackened his profile picture

RMontague, Creator of Shitty TikToks: i’m fine

Tybalt: finally some accurate fucking nickname

Cordelia: Whoever changed his nickname, please change it back. 

RMontague, Creator of Shitty TikToks: i was the one who changed it

RMontague, Creator of Shitty TikToks: because it’s the nickname i deserve

Tybalt: you should delete your account too

RMontague, Creator of Shitty TikToks: i can’t do that, me and juliet have a suicide pact

Laertes: a fucking what

CheckYesJuliet: Don’t worry about it, we just had this agreement a long time ago that if one of us deleted our TikTok account, the other one would as well

RMontague, Creator of Shitty TikToks: otherwise i would be deleting right now :(

Ophelia: Oh for godsake

CheckYesJuliet: ...check your dms babe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very bad at continuing fanfictions, but I've written multiple chapters of this so I guess I'll slowly post them until I run out!


	2. The TikTok Pact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter switches between Discord and Instagram, and the Instagram parts will have the usernames in italics. I'm probably just gonna stick to Discord in the future to avoid confusion.

**@RMontague**

CheckYesJuliet: I think we should break up.

RMontague: babe wtf

RMontague: we’ve been together so long

RMontague: we’re no strangers to love… you know the rules, and so do i…

CheckYesJuliet: Are you really rickrolling me right now. While I’m trying to break up with you.

RMontague: i’m sorry i was just trying to make you laugh

RMontague: why do you want to break up :(

**Cool Girlz Squad**

CheckYesJuliet: How do I break up with Romeo without hurting his feelings?

Cordelia: Just tell him the truth. If that hurts his feelings, that’s for him to take care of

Ophelia: Damn, Cordelia’s ruthless today

Cordelia: Just trying to stop future complications

CheckYesJuliet: Ugh

**@RMontague**

CheckYesJuliet: Try thinking about it this way

CheckYesJuliet: You know how my TikTok followers leave bad comments on your videos because they think I shouldn’t be dating you? If we break up, they’ll leave you alone

CheckYesJuliet: You’ll be free to make all the sick vape trick videos you desire

RMontague: aw babe you’re doing this for me?

RMontague: that’s so sweet but i promise you don’t have to go that far

RMontague: i’ll take care of it :)

CheckYesJuliet: Wait that’s not the reason

CheckYesJuliet: Hello?????

**Cool Girlz Squad**

CheckYesJuliet: God. Damn. It.

Ophelia: Oh shit you should see what Romeo just posted on instagram

_r_montague420_

hey guys it’s ya boi vapemastermontague from tiktok. i will be deleting my account today because people keep leaving comments on my videos about how i don’t deserve to be dating the popular vcso girl and fellow tiktokker known as juliecap. you guys need to learn that your actions have consequences. a legend has deactivated, and it’s all your fault.

**@CheckYesJuliet**

RMontague: hey babe I'm pretending to delete my tiktok but don't worry it's not real

RMontague: I just want to scare everyone so they'll leave us alone from now on

RMontague: hello? 

RMontague: babe?

RMontague: hello???

__juliecap__

It’s been real, y’all

**The PvP Zone**

RMontague: @CheckYesJuliet

RMontague: @CheckYesJuliet

RMontague: @CheckYesJuliet

RMontague: please come online

Goneril L: wow, I can’t believe we just witnessed a suicide pact

Horatio: What?

Goneril L: check the couple’s instagrams

RMontague: oh god

RMontague: what have i done

RMontague: i take it back

RMontague: i take it all back!!!

Truck 1: lmao he went offline

CheckYesJuliet: What. The. Fuck.

CheckYesJuliet: I guess it was my fault for not checking my messages before deleting

CheckYesJuliet: But what. The. Fuck.

RMontague: babe i deleted my account for real now

Truck 2: LMAO

Truck 2: FOR REAL???

Benvolio: You pretended to delete your account? Why?

CheckYesJuliet: I had so many followers on that thing

RMontague: please don’t be mad babe

Truck 1: fight! fight! fight!

Benvolio: Stop that.

Mer-cutie-o: Imagine having such a dysfunctional relationship that you almost break up over tiktoks and then go through with a tiktok suicide pact about it. R.i.p to you two but I’m different

CheckYesJuliet: How did you know we were breaking up?

Mer-cutie-o: I know everything

RMontague: pls don’t break up with me

RMontague: my tiktok account is gone

RMontague: you’re all i have left

(Not Ronald) Regan: if I see the word tiktok one more time I’m going to gouge my own eyes out

CheckYesJuliet: Fine. We can stay together. But only because I don’t want you fuckers to meme about how we broke up because of TikTok.

Truck 1: juliet stoppp

Truck 1: think of regan’s poor eyes


	3. The Gang Watches Cats

**The PvP Zone**

Benvolio: Has anyone here taken acid before?

Laertes: look buddy i dunno what you're going through but i promise this isn't the solution

Laertes: you will get through this without turning to drugs

Laertes: you have such a bright future ahead of you

Ophelia: Dude if he's about to do acid he's probably partyyying it up not being depressed or whatever

Benvolio: It's not for me

Benvolio: I'm at the movies with some friends from the theatre club and Puck brought acid. I am trying to convince Mercutio that it's a horrible idea.

Truck 1: of course puck has acid lmaooo

Laertes: puck? the guy who wears glitter to school and plays two trucks having sex from his phone whenever he goes down the hall? 

Benvolio: Goddamnit. I think Mercutio just took the acid

Benvolio: I have to go.

Truck 1: lmaooooooo

Truck 1: i wonder what they're watching

Cordelia: Goneril told me that they're watching Cats together.

Truck 1: CATS? ON ACID???

Truck 1: rip mercutio it was nice knowing ya

***

Mer-cutie-o: Fucking cats holy shit holy fucking shit voring human cockroaches Jason Derulo sucking toes motherfucking horny sexual tension horny cats cat wearing coat made of cat fur cats with human feet cats with toes fucking cats MIDI opening palpable sexual tension between the fucking cats fucking god I'm so glad there wasn't any LITERAL fucking fucking human faced mice goddamn human faced cockroaches being vored by Rebel Wilson goddamnit memoryyyyy all alone in the moonlightttt why do CATS have TOES Macavity the crime cat breaking every law and definitely more than just gravity cause he can teleport cats but he loses all his powers at the end? He used to be cat god and now he is nothing

Ophelia: Oh my god

Truck 1: sounds like you had a good time!

Mer-cutie-o: Help me

Laertes: why did you guys encourage this

Goneril L: because its funny, obviously

Goneril L: he should be fine, benvolio took away his phone and now he's putting him to bed while regan is googling what to do when someone is having a bad trip

Goneril L: I don't even know if he's really having a bad trip or if its just the effect that cats has on people

Tybalt: were you guys at the theater next to the circle k???

Goneril L: yeah why

Tybalt: YOU WERE THE ONES RUINING MY VIEWING EXPERIENCE???

Goneril L: was there anything to ruin?

Tybalt: i was trying to enjoy rum tum tugger's song when i heard someone fucking screaming jason derulo's name behind me

Tybalt: MULTIPLE TIMES

Tybalt: two people were making cat sex noises during the ball scene

Tybalt: someone was SOBBING during skimbleshanks the railway cat

Goneril L: yeah mercutio thought the cats were about to commit suicide by train when they started lying on the tracks

Tybalt: how could you ruin SKIMBLESHANKS for me

Goneril L: he was on acid dude he couldn't help it

Tybalt: and the cat sex noises??? those did not sound like mercutio

Goneril L: okay that might have been me and regan but is it really that big of a deal

Goneril L: its cats who cares about cats

Tybalt: ME

Tybalt: they call me the prince of cats for a reason

Tybalt: it's cause everyone knows i'm the #1 fan in this town

Ophelia: Please say sike

Truck 2: furry

Tybalt: I'M NOT A FUCKING FURRY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Cordelia: I care about Cats as well

Tybalt: thank you cordelia. you should join the theatre club, one day i will get my production of cats greenlit and i think you will make a perfect victoria

Cordelia: Wow, thank you :)

Tybalt: i have perfect roles in mind for the rest of you as well, but since i'm angry you don't get to find out.

Goneril L: bro if we put on cats i'm straight up quitting theatre

Goneril L: i don't care what role you have in mind for me

Tybalt: really? even if i'm planning on casting you as bombalurina?

Goneril L: ...goddamnit how did you know she was my favourite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mercutio's acid-fueled Cats message was copied and pasted directly from a text I sent to my friend after seeing Cats. I was completely sober. 10/10 experience


	4. Cordelia's Minecraft Boyfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments on this thing! Y'all are so nice :')

**The PvP Zone**

Mer-cutie-o: Wow, I sure am never doing acid again!

Cordelia: We’re all very glad you’re okay :)

Mer-cutie-o: I can’t believe I missed Tybalt coming out as a furry!

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: I DID NO SUCH THING. 

(Not Ronald) Regan: your nickname says otherwise

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: liking skimbleshanks isn’t a furry thing! everyone likes skimbleshanks!

Cordelia: I’m kinda basic… Grizabella is my favourite

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: acceptable

CheckYesJuliet: Damn I missed a lot

Ophelia: Oh! You’re back! Check the other server!

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: @Cordelia do you want to go out with me?

(Not Ronald) Regan: ARE YOU ON CRACK????????????????

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: that’s fucking rude

(Not Ronald) Regan: you don’t ask someone out on a public group chat oh my GOD

(Not Ronald) Regan: there are actual tears streaming down my face i am WHEEZING

Cordelia: Aw, thanks for asking, but I’m already taken :)

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: by who??? is it horatio? goddamnit i bet it’s horatio

KobraKid: keep his name out of your mouth you fucking whore

Mer-cutie-o: Lmaoooo why would it be Horatio?????

Cordelia: His name is France and he’s lovely! He’s my Minecraft boyfriend :)

Mer-cutie-o: Your WHAT

(Not Ronald) Regan: her minecraft boyfriend. i have one too and so does goneril. imagine not having a minecraft bf in the year 2020 lmaooo cringe

Mer-cutie-o: I have a REAL boyfriend

(Not Ronald) Regan: cringeeeeeee

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: i can start playing minecraft too if that’s what you want

Cordelia: Sorry dude, me and France have a lot of history together… I actually had 2 people that wanted to be my Minecraft boyfriend. But then I got pushed into lava and lost my entire inventory, and the other one lost interest after that. I guess he was only in it for my diamond armour. France though… France didn’t care. He still wanted to be my Minecraft boyfriend, even though I had nothing.

(Not Ronald) Regan: see, that’s so sweet! would a real boyfriend have that range?

Mer-cutie-o: Yes?????

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: okay then who pushed you into the lava

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: i’ll at least avenge you

Cordelia: I don’t think you can… His username is Lear, and he’s kind of the server’s king. He has admin powers.

(Not Ronald) Regan: give up furryboy

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: I’M NOT A FURRY

(Not Ronald) Regan: whatever you say mr. skimbleskank

**Cool Girlz Squad**

Ophelia: Hey Juliet how the fuck do you deal with men

CheckYesJuliet: I don’t.

CheckYesJuliet: I’ve been telling Romeo to just read me his weird emo poetry over the phone instead of inviting me over. Then I mute the call

CheckYesJuliet: Whenever he asks why I never speak on the other line I just tell him that the poetry got to me too badly

CheckYesJuliet: I’m a fucking genius

Ophelia: Cool! I think I just got broken up with

CheckYesJuliet: Oh shit…

Ophelia: Idk man he started off by saying some stuff about how it wasn’t working out or whatever but then he just kinda lost it and started shouting BEGONE THOT at me

Ophelia: Laertes had to physically carry him out of the house

**@KobraKid**

CheckYesJuliet: What the fuck is wrong with you?

KobraKid: shhh it’s fine

CheckYesJuliet: No??? It’s not??? Who breaks up with somebody like that???

KobraKid: i was being normal about it at first but it was getting pretty awkward so i just tried to erase the tension

KobraKid: i was memeing

KobraKid: i thought it would be funny

CheckYesJuliet: Oh my god. What is it with emotionally immature men and resorting to memes during break ups.

CheckYesJuliet: Did you even give her a good reason???

KobraKid: i didn’t know what to say

KobraKid: i didn’t want her to feel insulted

CheckYesJuliet: SO YOU CALLED HER A THOT INSTEAD??????

KobraKid: ...yes

KobraKid: fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've officially run out of chapters,,, from this point on I'm updating in real time I guess


	5. Uh Oh Sisters!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hfdgkdjg I'm super glad people actually enjoy this,, I'm gonna keep on going till I run out of ideas

**The PvP Zone**

KobraKid: ophelia i am so sorry that i called you a thot i was just trying to make things less awkward by memeing

KobraKid: you are not a thot and i respect women very much

Horatio: ...oh my god

Horatio: What did I tell you _not_ to do when breaking up with someone?

Ophelia: It’s fine. Now can you tell me why you wanted to break up? Maybe in my dms instead of broadcasting everything into a gigantic group chat?

KobraKid: i dunno it just wasn’t working for me i guess

KobraKid: consider yourself saved from dealing with my bullshit

Ophelia: It just wasn’t working for you?

KobraKid: idk i thought something would change after a while but it didn’t

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: haha this is what you get for calling me a whore!

#1 Skimbleshanks Stan: relationship fail!

KobraKid: i’m going to break your fucking kneecaps shut the fuck up you miserable little worm

KobraKid: whatever i have to go. i really am sorry ophelia

Horatio: If either of you want to talk about it, I’m here

**big dick energy lessons for horatio**

Horatio: What is this?

Mer-cutie-o: I made a group chat to help with your problem

Horatio: WHY?????????????

Mer-cutie-o: He’s single now, might as well get a head start!

CheckYesJuliet: Here’s my advice. Do nothing. Give up.

Horatio: Omg I’m really sorry, please don’t tell Ophelia about this

CheckYesJuliet: Oh no I’m not mad at you or anything

CheckYesJuliet: I’m just warning you

CheckYesJuliet: Run and never look back

CheckYesJuliet: You deserve better

Benvolio: @Mer-cutie-o Uhh I think you might have overstepped some boundaries by creating this

Benvolio: @Horatio If you really want to go for it though, I can give you advice

Mer-cutie-o: Oh hey, Laertes is online! What do you think, buddy?

Horatio: You ADDED HER FUCKING BROTHER???????????????????????

Laertes: you’re gay? and for **_that_**??????????

CheckYesJuliet: Dude he’s the head of our school’s GSA

Laertes: i thought he was just a really good ally

Truck 1: no heterosexual gets That invested in the great gatsby during english class

Mer-cutie-o: Or listens to Orville Peck's album That many times

Truck 2: or knows That much about alan turing despite never having taken a computer science class before

Laertes: you guys are so confusing

Horatio: Can this group chat like, not exist, please? Can we perhaps wait an appropriate amount of time before trying to set us up? Why would you even tell all these people that I like him?

Truck 1: i mean it was pretty obvious, dude.

CheckYesJuliet: I think Laertes is the only person here who didn’t already know

Laertes: don't worry bro i won't tell anybody that you're gay

CheckYesJuliet: Dude he's been openly out for like 2 years

Mer-cutie-o: @Horatio I'm sorry that I created this group chat I got too excited and didn't think about the consequences of my actions :(

Truck 1: who thinks about consequences before doing things? laaaaaame

Horatio: Ugh whatever you guys can keep this group chat if you want, but I’m leaving. Add me back in a month or something and I'll maybe take your advice

<\- Horatio left the group.

Mer-cutie-o: Well, since this group chat has officially received permission to keep existing, any ideas?

Laertes: i think this is a really bad idea guys… horatio doesn’t have any siblings, so who’s going to drag hamlet out of his house when he finally breaks up with him by shouting begone thot over and over again?

CheckYesJuliet: Yeah, I’m getting real rancid vibes from this too. 

<\- CheckYesJuliet left the group.

Truck 1: oh i have a super good idea

Benvolio: You are not allowed to add Hamlet into this group.

Truck 1: damn

Truck 1: having impulse control is no fun ;((


	6. OwO Who's This?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a very short chapter introducing a new member of the discord :)

**The PvP Zone**

RMontague: remade my tiktok. follow me @romeovapelord

Tybalt: oh my god shut the fuck up

RMontague: i have 3 followers already. you shut the fuck up

Tybalt: you will never get any more than that. i will literally announce to everyone that i'm a furry if you get more than 10 followers.

Truck 2: followed

Goneril L: followed

RMontague: thanks for the free publicity dude

Tybalt: FUCK YOU

Goneril L: yo i'm looking at his followers and i think i found benvolio

Goneril L: there's only one video on his page and its captioned "in support of e-boys dating vsco girls"

Truck 1: followed

Two Pucks: Followed

Truck 1: hey what the fuck! two trucks is already taken, pal!

Truck 2: better change that nickname!!!

Orville Puck: Fine >:[

Tybalt: WHO INVITED THIS CLOWN???

Truck 1: woah what did he ever do to you

Tybalt: his stupid glitter always gets all over me even though i don't go near him

Tybalt: he's always showing me up at auditions by being better

Truck 1: i think that one's your fault

Tybalt: he chugged my white-out in the 9th grade and had to be rushed to the hospital and i thought i was gonna be FRAMED FOR MURDER

Tybalt: WHY DID YOU EVEN DO THAT??? DOES WHITE OUT LOOK TASTY TO YOU?? A TASTY FUCKING SNACK???? DO YOU EAT FUCKING PRINTER INK AND MARKERS AT HOME???????? 

Orville Puck: Yes, I do :)

RMontague: wow, this place is a freakshow. i respect literally none of you people

RMontague: also i have 11 followers now. pay up furry yiffman

Orville Puck: Hehe we all know Tybalt never backs down from a bet

Truck 1: he went offline lmaooooo


	7. Horses Aren't Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't given up on this fanfiction yet,,,

**The PvP Zone**

Orville Puck: I'm boredddddd why is nobody online

Horatio: There are a few people online. I like your username, btw

Orville Puck: Hell yeahhh I see you’re a fellow cowboy enthusiast

Orville Puck: One day I shall become the ultimate cowboy and ride out of this town with some sexyass spurs

Orville Puck: Not on a horse though. Horses aren’t real

KobraKid: what do you mean horses aren’t real???

Orville Puck: I mean that they aren’t real

KobraKid: go on google images. type horse into the search bar.

Orville Puck: Lmao, do you believe everything you see on the internet?

KobraKid: i’ve seen a horse??? in real life?????????

Orville Puck: Those weren’t horses

KobraKid: @Horatio are horses real?

Horatio: Yes.

Orville Puck: Damn I never thought I’d meet people in the year 2020 who still believe in horses

KobraKid: what are you talking about?? what in the goddamn fuck are you talking about?????

Horatio: Dude can you stop with whatever this is? Hamlet’s already been having a bad week because of the break up and everything and he really doesn’t need this right now

Orville Puck: Oops my bad

**@Laertes**

Orville Puck: Do you believe in horses?

Laertes: horses scare me :(

Orville Puck: Be not afraid, for they do not truly exist

Laertes: i mean they probably do exist because one of them ruined my parents’ marriage

Orville Puck: ????????????

Laertes: yeah me and ophelia used to live in the countryside before our family moved here

Orville Puck: That… wasn’t what I was asking about…

Orville Puck: You wanna elaborate on the horse divorce?

Laertes: no

Orville Puck: That's fair

**@CheckYesJuliet**

Orville Puck: Do you think horses are real?

CheckYesJuliet: It is 2 in the morning.

Orville Puck: And?

CheckYesJuliet: Goodbye

**@Tybalt**

Orville Puck: Did you know that horses aren’t real?

Tybalt: die.


	8. The Spring Semi-formal

**The PvP Zone**

Goneril L: are you guys going to the spring semiformal dance?

RMontague: ew no why would i

KobraKid: the only reason you’re not going is because you got banned last time for hotboxing the washroom with your vaping

RMontague: are _you_ going, then?

KobraKid: ew no

RMontague: the only reason you’re not going is because you don’t want to sit alone in a corner crying into the punch bowl while dancing on my own plays in the background

Truck 1: @Horatio isn’t that what you did at the semiformal last year? 

Horatio: Go fuck yourself

Goneril L: WOAH

Goneril L: HORATIO IS PISSED

Horatio: Woah Horatio has emotions

KobraKid: are you okay? which bastard made you cry last year?? whose kneecaps do i have to break???

Horatio: I didn’t cry, that part is an exaggeration

Horatio: Please do not break anybody’s kneecaps

Cordelia: Good news, everyone! My Minecraft boyfriend is coming to the dance with me! 

**big dick energy lessons for horatio**

Horatio: @Mer-cutie-o thanks for adding me back

Horatio: I just wanna say. Stop. 

Truck 1: sorry bro i was just joking around

Horatio: It’s fine. Just stop this kind of stuff now

Horatio: He’s my best friend and I don’t want him to hate me

Benvolio: Why would he hate you for loving him?

Horatio: What if he thinks it’s weird and creepy that I’ve been in love with him for so long? What if he thinks I’ve only been his friend this whole time out of infatuation? What if he doesn’t hate me, but starts to feel uncomfortable having me around, and starts to cut me off? 

Horatio: I’d be fine knowing that he’d never return my affections, but I can’t handle the thought of losing his friendship as well. And I don’t want to hurt him with something like this either.

Benvolio: I think there’s a good chance he wouldn’t do any of those things. Anyone can see how deeply he cares about you

Horatio: That’s the thing. I can’t let myself destroy that. Thanks for trying to help, though

**The PvP Zone**

Goneril L: lmaooo cordelia’s still out here with her old minecraft boyfriend… i’ve moved on, babey!

Cordelia: Oh? With who?

Goneril L: edmund, of course

Cordelia: Really? I thought Regan was going with Edmund…

Goneril L: SHE WHAT

Mer-cutie-o: EDMUND???? YOU’RE REALLY GONNA GO FOR EDMUND????????? BOTH OF YOU????????????????

Goneril L: he’s cute okay even if he’s a bit of a bastard

Goneril L: we have a lot of history together from our shared minecraft server and you should learn it before you judge us >:(

Mer-cutie-o: He’s barely a bastard he’s just annoying!

Goneril L: that’s rich coming from you, mr. “i show up to every single rehearsal in full costume even though it’s not a dress rehearsal and it really just annoys my stage manager boyfriend”!

Mer-cutie-o: I’m just trying to get in character :[

Goneril L: there is no character of a dog or god in “dog sees god” yet those are the costumes you show up in

Goneril L: how early do you even arrive to put those on???

Mer-cutie-o: I’m playing a stoner so it works!

Benvolio: I am begging you to stop

Mer-cutie-o: Fiiiine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, poor Horatio... being in love with your best friend is really just like that
> 
> Also I feel like the spacing of lines is off, maybe it's cause I'm posting on mobile


	9. Uh Oh Sisters! (Reprise)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to everyone who sent kudos or comments, I really appreciate you all :')

**The PvP Zone**

CreeperSlayer: what’s this?

Goneril L: @everyone i added edmund and edgar

Ophelia: Did you really have to drop a @ everyone to tell us that

Goneril L: so! edmund! what’s this about going to the dance with regan?

CreeperSlayer: why can’t i go with both of you

CreeperSlayer: gotta flex on everyone else by having 2 girlfriends

Goneril L: TOO BAD MOTHERFUCKER, YOU’RE GOING WITH ONE

Ophelia: She’s gone offline. That’s not a good sign lmaoooo

Ophelia: How have you been doing, Edgar?

Edgar Allen Hoe: I’m. Suffering. Lots of papers. Lots of university applications. Lots of club commitments.

CreeperSlayer: isn’t it great that you can unwind by playing minecraft with us >:)

Edgar Allen Hoe: Hm. Don’t like that >:) at the end.

Tybalt: @everyone this is me announcing that i’m a furry

Get Pucked: BRO

Edgar Allen Hoe: Okay.

Ophelia: Another @ everyone? 

Get Pucked: AHAHAHA I KNEW TYBALT WOULDN’T BACK OUT OF A BET

Get Pucked: SCREENSHOTTED AND SAVED

Tybalt: i am going to destroy romeo for what he did

Ophelia: Dude all he did was get some tiktok followers

Ophelia: You’re the one who made that bet over it lmaoooo

Ophelia: Aaaand he’s gone offline… this is gonna be hilarious

Edgar Allen Hoe: I gotta go, class starts in 5 minutes

Ophelia: Oh shit yeah I guess I have to go too

***

Benvolio: @Tybalt Why did you do that? Literally what reason would you have for doing that?

Tybalt: he got what he deserved

Benvolio: I know people think Mercutio is annoying but he never did anything to deserve suspension. He’s lucky that nothing’s going on his permanent record.

CheckYesJuliet: Nothing ever goes on anybody’s record, this school doesn’t really give a shit

CheckYesJuliet: He’s gonna be fine but also what the fuck Tybalt

Tybalt: mercutio? dude i didn’t do anything to him

Benvolio: Really? Because Puck told me you put a joint into his locker. And last period he got pulled out of class and suspended because someone reported that he had weed.

Tybalt: wait fuck that was his locker??? i thought it was romeo’s?????

Benvolio: I think you should own up to what you did. 

RMontague: there’s no need for that anymore!

CheckYesJuliet: Oh god what did you do.

RMontague: guess who just got reported for having vape pods!

RMontague: the weed kind! not the pussy cotton candy kind!

Laertes: pussy flavoured cotton candy?

Tybalt: YOU MOTHERFUCKER. 

RMontague: you got what you deserve

Tybalt: I’LL DUST MY FUCKING LOCKER FOR YOUR FINGERPRINTS

RMontague: i wore gloves :)

Benvolio: That… was not the right way to deal with this situation

Benvolio: Mercutio’s calling me. I’m going to go.

Tybalt: DAMN BASTARD ASS MOTHERFUCKER FROM HELL

CreeperSlayer: DON’T SAY THAT WORD YOU FURRY SLIME

Tybalt: BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD

Tybalt: I HATE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL


	10. Chapter 10

**The PvP Zone**

Edgar Allen Hoe: Hi guys! As a member of the student council, I’m going to remind you all that tickets for the spring semi-formal are still available at the door, and the semi-formal itself will be taking place in the gym in three hours! :)

Mer-cutie-o: Too bad none of us can go!

CheckYesJuliet: Weren’t all the Lear sisters going?

Cordelia: Not anymore, Goneril spiked Regan’s lemonade with glow stick fluid and then panicked and drank a few glow sticks herself to make it look like she wasn’t guilty

Cordelia: They’re both in the hospital waiting room right now and I’m waiting with them to make sure they’re okay :(

Get Pucked: Weak shit I drank a few glow sticks once and I didn’t even feel nauseous

CheckYesJuliet: Do you ever eat like, I dunno, normal human food?

Get Pucked: I was on shrooms, can you really blame me for wanting to taste the glowy fluid?

Get Pucked: @Mer-cutie-o how are you still alive?

Mer-cutie-o: My parents didn’t care lmao

Mer-cutie-o: They’re important people with important jobs and more important things to worry about

Mer-cutie-o: I got my phone taken away for like a day and now I got it back

Mer-cutie-o: Anyways what are you all gonna do instead of going to the dance? Me and Benvolio are going stargazing uwu

CheckYesJuliet: I’m dragging Romeo to the Lizzo concert so he can see what good music actually sounds like

Cordelia: I’m going to sit here and hope that glow stick fluid isn’t that toxic

Ophelia: I'm gonna play the Sims until I pass out from exhaustion just like a Sims character

Mer-cutie-o: Cool cool sounds like everyone has a nice evening of plans lined up… what about you, @KobraKid?

KobraKid: the usual

Ophelia: Listening to The Black Parade while sadposting on your finsta?

KobraKid: shhh

Mer-cutie-o: The usual? Because I recall you admitting to me that you still wanted to go to the dance!

KobraKid: _shhhhhhhhhhh_

Ophelia: I thought you weren't really into the dances even when we were together… :thinking:

Get Pucked: Yeah it sounds super boring to go to one of those alone! You end up either standing in a corner doing nothing, or getting banned for bribing the DJ into playing Crazy Frog and then running through the dance floor painted purple! I speak from experience.

KobraKid: i'm not planning on going alone. sometimes a bro just wants to go to a dance with another bro, okay?

CheckYesJuliet: Dude if you want to go with Horatio just ask him

Mer-cutie-o: @Horatio

KobraKid: what the fuck

Mer-cutie-o: He's already in this server so no harm done uwu

CheckYesJuliet: Stop uwu-ing now

Horatio: I think it would be fun to go together :)

KobraKid: cool! i'll pick you up in 2 hours!

KobraKid: i mean! i'll meet you there? haha i still don't know how to drive!

Horatio: I can pick you up

KobraKid: cool! just 2 bros going to a dance together! you know, like bros do! bros before hoes, am i right?

KobraKid: not saying you're a hoe, ophelia! you're not a hoe and i respect women!

Ophelia: Didn't stop you from calling me a thot like 50 times

**big dick energy lessons for hamlet**

Mer-cutie-o: Dude… what the fuck was thattttt


	11. Chapter 11

**big dick energy lessons for hamlet**

Mer-cutie-o: Dude… what the fuck was thattttt

KobraKid: i was freaking out a little okay

KobraKid: i wasn’t expecting any of that to happen

KobraKid: and i’m glad it did but i’m freaking out a little cause obviously i don’t want him to think that i mean anything romantic by this!

Mer-cutie-o: Why?

KobraKid: because how could someone like him love someone like me?

**Cool Girlz Squad**

Ophelia: Man I don’t know what the fuck is going on

CheckYesJuliet: What’s wrong?

Ophelia: I still don’t understand why Hamlet broke up with me? And now he’s going to the dance even though whenever we went together, he always seemed bored?

Ophelia: Just has me thinking. Am I a boring person to be with?

**big dick energy lessons for hamlet**

KobraKid: he actually has his shit together, so why would he want to be with someone who’s such a goddamn wreck all the time? he’s already dealt with so much of my bullshit, it’s a goddamn miracle he hasn’t abandoned me or anything because who would want to deal with me? who would want this?

Mer-cutie-o: He wants to deal with you. On purpose!

KobraKid: but he’s a good person and i _know_ i’m going to end up hurting him because just look at me! look how i ended things with ophelia! 

**Cool Girlz Squad**

CheckYesJuliet: Girl… just look at him… do you really think you’re a boring person to be with compared to _that_???

CheckYesJuliet: Last Saturday he was selling vape pods to my boyfriend

CheckYesJuliet: Last Saturday you were performing your own song at an open mic night

CheckYesJuliet: I know who I’d rather hang out with!

Ophelia: Thanks… I feel like I shouldn’t be so bothered about this but I just!! Want to understand!! 

**big dick energy lessons for hamlet**

KobraKid: how can i let anybody love me in good conscience?

Mer-cutie-o: You can’t. Because people don’t wait for permission before falling in love.

**Cool Girlz Squad**

CheckYesJuliet: That’s valid honestly

CheckYesJuliet: He gave such a vague explanation, of course that’s gonna leave you wondering what you did wrong

CheckYesJuliet: But from what I’ve seen, he’s constantly going through Something and I bet it was one of those bruh moments that made him think it was time to break up

CheckYesJuliet: He probably feels a little bad about it tbh

CheckYesJuliet: So, don’t worry, I guess? I’m pretty bad at the whole reassurance thing but I think you’re great and whoever you date next is gonna be the luckiest person in the world! Gtg now, Lizzo time

**big dick energy lessons for hamlet**

Mer-cutie-o: Whatever happens is gonna happen, and it’s probably gonna be good! It’s getting closer to 8 though so you should probably get going!

KobraKid: yeah i guess. thanks


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief humorous intermission between all the dramatic stuff going on.

**The PvP Zone**

Get Pucked: Chat’s pretty dead now that everyone’s out

CreeperSlayer: yeah… wouldn’t it be a shame if something… were to happen >:)

Truck 2: hmm don’t like that

CreeperSlayer: now that he’s not here to defend himself i can say it

CreeperSlayer: my brother edgar is a minecraft hentai addict

Truck 2: sounds fake but okay

CreeperSlayer: it’s not fake!! i saw his entire stash

Get Pucked: A stash? Like, he prints it out?

CreeperSlayer: he has a hard drive full of it

CreeperSlayer: all different kinds. creeper, enderman, herobrine, mooshrooms, squid

Truck 2: yeah we totally believe you

CreeperSlayer: i’m being serious, he should be banned from this server for looking at that stuff!!!

Truck 2: you just have some weird grudge against him cause he’s legitimate

Truck 2: like who the fuck cares man it’s not the 1400s nobody cares if you’re a bastard

CreeperSlayer: YOU’RE ONLY DEFENDING HIM BECAUSE YOU LIKE MINECRAFT HENTAI TOO

Truck 2: is this really the hill you want to die on?

Truck 2: everyone who knows you’re lying is a minecraft hentai addict?

CreeperSlayer: YES.

Truck 2: then die

Get Pucked: You seem kinda on edge, dude

Get Pucked: You alright?

Truck 2: tired

Truck 2: i’ve been awake for 74 hours

Get Pucked: Doing what???

CreeperSlayer: watching minecraft hentai i bet

Truck 2: yes. that’s what i’ve been doing. so much minecraft hentai. zettabytes of it. every time i see a creeper i bust a nut on the spot

Truck 2: in fact? i’m going to send you my entire stash right now!

CreeperSlayer: WAIT NO

Get Pucked: it was nice knowing ya edmund

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coron of virus self-isolation got me feeling like I should be more productive, yet I've completely lost my motivation to do anything this past week,,, I'm slowly getting back on track though so hopefully soon I shall start enjoying writing again  
> (Also I feel like I've made Guildenstern too mean in this chapter,, I attribute it to him being "tired" which is my way of saying "writer was tired")


	13. Chapter 13

**@Ophelia**

KobraKid: hey can i tell you something

Ophelia: Sure go ahead

KobraKid: okay so the real reason i broke up with you is because i’m extremely gay and also i think i’m dating horatio now!!!

**@Benvolio**

Horatio: Hey can I ask you a question?

Benvolio: Of course :)

Horatio: How can you tell if you’re dating someone???

**@Ophelia**

KobraKid: i know that’s such a dick move to start dating someone like 3 weeks after a break up but honestly i wasn’t planning on this happening so quickly like wow holy shit i didn’t think this was even going to happen at all

KobraKid: are you mad at me? cause that’s like totally chill if you’re mad at me like i totally get that

Ophelia: That’s why you broke up with me? It wasn’t because of me or my personality or anything?

KobraKid: omg no you had nothing to do with it except for the fact that you’re a woman

KobraKid: you’re like totally cool and i couldn’t have picked a better person to be awkwardly heterosexual with

Ophelia: Dude for the past 3 weeks I was struggling to understand what I did to ruin the relationship or if it was even my fault at all

Ophelia: I’m not mad at you, I’m actually really glad to hear what the true reason was! Now I can stop playing 3 dimensional chess with my mind trying to figure out what went wrong

Ophelia: I was pretty annoyed about your super vague explanation for a while, but I get it

Ophelia: It’s hard to talk about this stuff

**@Benvolio**

Benvolio: What do you mean?

Horatio: I have literally never dated anybody before and I have no idea what constitutes “dating”

Horatio: We went to the dance together and you saw all the stuff he said in the discord about how we’re just going as “bros” or whatever

Horatio: But then a slow song came on and he asked me if I wanted to dance and while we were dancing he was like “I don’t want us to be just bros”

Horatio: So I was like “we can be whatever you want us to be” and he was like “are you sure about that?” and I was like “I’m sure about everything when it comes to you”

Horatio: And then the fire alarm started blaring and the sprinklers came on because apparently the weird sisters did something

Horatio: You know them, right?

Benvolio: Haha I don’t think anyone doesn’t

Horatio: So we had to rush out of the school and I drove him home and I was like “y’know, that was probably the most fun I’ve ever had at one of these” 

Horatio: And then we got out of the car and he was like “would it be alright if I gave you a kiss goodnight?” and I was like *surprised Pikachu meme* and he was like “haha just kidding” and started to leave but then I told him to wait and I kinda took his hand and gave it a little kiss and then we parted ways

Horatio: So like, are we dating now?

Benvolio: Maybe you should ask him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeet yeet I didn't really know how to end this chapter, so I am just going to post it!


	14. Chapter 14

**The PvP Zone**

Tybalt: good news everyone!!!

CheckYesJuliet: You’re suspiciously happy…

Goneril L: omggg juliet how was lizzo??

CheckYesJuliet: She was AMAZING

CheckYesJuliet: How was being in the emergency room for glow stick poisoning?

Goneril L: turns out they’re not toxic unless you drink a lot and i only had one

Tybalt: doesn’t anyone want to hear my news?

Goneril L: not really

Tybalt: i’m directing next year’s show

Tybalt: so that means

Tybalt: WE’RE DOING CATS!!!

Goneril L: oh god

Goneril L: i think i’m gonna stop auditioning next year

Tybalt: come on goneril don’t be like that i said i’d cast you as bombalurina

Tybalt: i have the whole cast list in my head… cordelia will be victoria if she decides to audition

Tybalt: edgar will be skimbleshanks

Tybalt: mercutio will be the rum tum tugger

CheckYesJuliet: Shouldn’t you wait to like, see people’s auditions, before you cast them?

Tybalt: ehh it should be fine

Tybalt: the weird sisters will be grizabella, mungojerry, and rumpleteazer

CheckYesJuliet: Which sister is gonna be playing who?

Tybalt: umm i’ll figure that out later

CheckYesJuliet: You still don’t remember their names do you

Tybalt: does anybody remember their names???

CheckYesJuliet: I do, I just refuse to tell you so I can watch you suffer

Truck 1: dude holy shit

Truck 1: first you’re acting in dog sees god… then you’re gonna be directing cats… this is just more proof that you’re a furry!

Tybalt: OH MY GOD HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS I’M NOT A FURRY

Goneril L: you already admitted that you are ahahahaaaaaaaaaa

Tybalt: half the people in this server are in those shows are you claiming THEY;RE ALL FURRIES

Truck 1: no, only you because you’ve done way more furry things than them

Tybalt: FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF ISN'T THIS JOKE GETTING OLD

Goneril L: what are you gonna do, get him suspended too?

Tybalt: goneril i’ll have you know i actually feel super bad about that shit please stop bringing it up

CheckYesJuliet: You only feel bad cause you targeted the wrong person :|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's having a good day today except for the person who sent lewd Skimbleshanks art into my actual discord server!


	15. Chapter 15

**The PvP Zone**

Wiccan Queen: HI EVERYONE

Tybalt: who the fuck

Mer-cutie-o: I added the weird sisters to the server!

Wiccan Queen: THE OTHER TWO AREN’T ONLINE RIGHT NOW BUT I AM

Tybalt: what’s your name

Wiccan Queen: I’M NOT TELLING YOU

Wiccan Queen: FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF

Tybalt: @The HIGH Priestess @HecatesMagic what are your names

Laertes: why are you shouting?

Wiccan Queen: I’M NOT SHOUTING MY KEYBOARD IS STUCK ON CAPS LOCK

Wiccan Queen: I TRIED TO CLEANSE IT WITH HOLY WATER BUT IT TURNS OUT PUTTING WATER ON A LAPTOP ISN’T VERY GOOD

Wiccan Queen: AND NOW IT’S STUCK

Laertes: i have so many questions

Mer-cutie-o: You have holy water just lying around your house?

Wiccan Queen: I HAVE SUPER RELIGIOUS PARENTS OF COURSE WE HAVE HOLY WATER

Wiccan Queen: YOU DON’T END UP LIKE ME WITHOUT HAVING A HARDCORE CHRISTIAN UPBRINGING TO REBEL AGAINST

Laertes: i don’t think you should be using holy water

Laertes: aren’t you going to die if you touch it?

Wiccan Queen: NO THAT’S VAMPIRES

Wiccan Queen: I WOULDN’T HAVE USED HOLY WATER IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT I WAS DESPERATE

Wiccan Queen: MY LAPTOP WAS BEING SOOOOO ANNOYING THE ONLY EXPLANATION WAS DEMONIC POSSESSION

Truck 2: there’s a comment i so desperately want to make but y’all would roast me to hell and back

Mer-cutie-o: We get it she’s typing like the grey Homestuck dude

Mer-cutie-o: How are everyone’s classes going?

Tybalt: you’re just gonna move on? no vicious mockery?

Mer-cutie-o: Nah we’ve roasted him enough back in grade 9

Mer-cutie-o: At least he doesn’t TYP3 L1K3 TH1S 4NYMOR3

Tybalt: so there’s a statute of limitations on these things?

Mer-cutie-o: Not to me. Not if it's you.

Mer-cutie-o: You’ve lost the right to ever be free from my callouts :)

Wiccan Queen: WOAH MERCUTIO DID YOU JUST TAKE THE MOST TENDER QUOTE EVER WRITTEN AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING CRUEL

Mer-cutie-o: ??????????

Wiccan Queen: HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN ONE OF THOSE TENDER YEARNING MITSKI PINING NOT TO ME NOT IF IT’S YOU RICHARD SIKEN FLEABAG GOLDFINCH MOODBOARDS

Mer-cutie-o: I swear every day on this server is like trying to learn a new language


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaa I haven't updated in a while but I'm back! Thanks to everyone for being so patient!

**The PvP Zone**

KobraKid: what’s up gamers i’m dating horatio now

Benvolio: Glad to hear it! I’m happy for you guys :)

CheckYesJuliet: God finally the obvious mutual pining was killing me

CheckYesJuliet: Woah… could it be… all the romantic drama in the server is over now? Are we now living in peace?

Benvolio: Yes, all is well in the grand nation of Discord. All is well.

Tybalt: I AM GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Benvolio: Nevermind

HecateMagica: Bro what did you do

Tybalt: what’s your name????

HecateMagica: Lmao me and my sisters have all agreed that we’re not telling you

Tybalt: i’m about to DIE this is MY LAST WISH

Benvolio: I’m sure whatever you did, it’s not that bad

Tybalt: IT REALLY IS THAT BAD

Tybalt: i submitted the wrong file for my history essay and it won’t let me resubmit

Tybalt: instead of an essay on the impact of world war 2 i handed in a FANFICTION THAT I WAS WRITING

HecateMagica: AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

KobraKid: lmao have fun getting suspended again

Tybalt: shut the fuck up i'm not getting suspended!! it wasn’t smut!!!

CheckYesJuliet: If it wasn’t smut, you’ll probably be fine, just send your teacher an email explaining what happened

HecateMagica: Maybe you can even pass it off as the real thing!

CheckYesJuliet: Oh right, didn’t you do that when the same thing happened to you?

HecateMagica: No, that was @Wiccan Queen

HecateMagica: She submitted a Reddie Left Brain Right Brain animatic instead of a video about an important historical moment and when she realized, she explained to the teacher that the 2 dudes represented east and west Germany before the fall of the Berlin wall and during their reunification

Benvolio: I don’t know what a Reddie Left Brain Right Brain is but knowing how your sister argues her points, I’m already convinced

Tybalt: thanks youngest weird sister you’re a genius!

HecateMagica: No problem! What’s your fanfiction about? Maybe I can ask oldest weird sister for some pointers :)

Tybalt: it’s history-related! it’s a superhero au of american presidents, where all the presidents from america’s history are alive and have each been given an animal-related superpower!

CheckYesJuliet: Oh god what

Benvolio: What exactly inspired you to write this?

KobraKid: quick question what’s obama’s power

Tybalt: i thought it might be problematic to give obama an animalsona so he just has human powers

Tybalt: he has a magical glock that never runs out of bullets

HecateMagica: There’s already a word for “animalsona” and you’re not gonna like it

KobraKid: and bernie sanders? 

Tybalt: only presidents are included, there’s already too many characters

CheckYesJuliet: I’m almost afraid to ask but what’s your plot

Tybalt: they’re competing to find 7 emeralds that have been scattered in each continent and whoever finds them all first gets to be the next president

Tybalt: because trump used his alligator powers to destroy the concept of elections so now they have the emerald contest instead

KobraKid: why does an alligator have that power?????

HecateMagica: Sorry dude you’re on your own I’m not touching this with a 6 foot pole

Tybalt: please

HecateMagica: No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Hamlet/Horatio mutual pining storyline may be over but there's definitely some other romantic plotlines hurgling around in my brain, coming soon!


	17. Chapter 17

**The PvP Zone**

Truck 2: why’s the chat so deadddd

Ophelia: Because some of us have lives outside the internet

Truck 2: clearly you don’t, cause you’re here too!

Ophelia: Nah I’m just checking my notifications while I take a break from practicing my sick tunez

Ophelia: Adios

Truck 2: i’m alone nobody care me

Edgar: I’m pretty sure everyone’s at the group date that Mercutio set up.

Edgar: They’re playing laser tag, I’ve heard.

Ophelia. Oh god please no

Edgar: It’s a bit of a weird situation, there can only be ten players at a time but since my brother brought both Goneril and Regan with him, they have eleven.

Edgar: The group is in for two rounds so they’re each playing one, and the one who gets the most points will win Edmund’s hand.

Ophelia: OH GOD PLEASE NO

Ophelia: Somebody in that group is going to end up murdered by the end of the night

Ophelia: How could you condone this Edgar

Ophelia: You were supposed to be the responsible one

Edgar: I don’t see what the problem is, Cordelia and France are there to keep them under control. Besides, surely the sisters have learned their lesson after the glow stick incident. 

Ophelia: Bold of you to assume anybody here EVER learns from anything, or that I’m only referring to the Edmund situation

Truck 2: why are they so hung up on edmund

Truck 2: how do they see that beanpole with his unwashed creeper hoodie and spray-on green hair dye and think “oog yeah that’s a quality man”

Edgar: To be honest, I think they’re more interested in defeating each other than dating my brother.

Ophelia: Okay I’m gonna go for real now byeeeee

***

Mer-cutie-o: What a day! What a date!

Edgar: I presume that nobody died?

Mer-cutie-o: No deaths! Just a breakup, an almost-brawl, and a lifetime ban!

Edgar: Oh no… what has my brother done?

Mer-cutie-o: Oh he didn’t do anything, Goneril and Regan tied so the weird contest for his love is still going on

Edgar: Then who…?

**Cool Girlz Squad**

CheckYesJuliet: @Ophelia It happened

CheckYesJuliet: I dumped his ass

Ophelia: OMG YES GIRL

Ophelia: Or, uh, no girl? Probably should have waited to hear what happened first

**The PvP Zone**

RMontague, The Saddest Simp In The Universe: hello, friends and enemies. i, romeo montague, also known as romeovapelord on tiktok, will no longer be speaking in this group chat. juliet has banished me from her heart, so i shall banish myself from this group.

Truck 2: jesus christ

KobraKid: GOOD. GET THE FUCK OUT AND NEVER COME BACK.

RMontague, The Saddest Simp In The Universe: YOU RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP AND BROKE MY VAPE YOU TOOK THE 2 THINGS I LOVE MOST

KobraKid: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PATHETIC LITTLE WORM YOU DESERVE TO BE ALONE

**Cool Girlz Squad**

CheckYesJuliet: I’m sure people are talking about what happened in the main chat

CheckYesJuliet: It was the final straw

CheckYesJuliet: I’m just tired of it all, y’know?

CheckYesJuliet: He’s such a CHILD he can’t make a SINGLE good decision and I ALWAYS have to be the one trying to clean up after him

Ophelia: That's so valid, congrats on finally breaking free from that bullshit! I’m here if you need anything!

**The PvP Zone**

RMontague, The Saddest Simp In The Universe: HA he went offline I WIN

Mer-cutie-o: No I’m pretty sure Horatio got him to stop looking at this chat so that he can calm down

Edgar: What happened?

RMontague, The Saddest Simp In The Universe: he had more points than Juliet in laser tag and then he broke my fucking vape so i had to avenge both of them

Mer-cutie-o: Look buddy I’m not going to make any judgy comments cause I know you’re dealing with like, the love of your life leaving your ass, but I also feel like I have to set the record straight

Mer-cutie-o: So just shhhh I’ll tell the story for you

Truck 2: here we go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued cause oops I made things more dramatic than I was planning on, although the incident itself isn't very dramatic and is mostly just Romeo being... Romeo
> 
> Out of all the characters, I feel like his characterization is definitely the one I've butchered the most, but I could not get the idea of e-boy vapelord Romeo out of my head and so here we are,,, perhaps he will get a redemption arc after this unu


	18. Chapter 18

**The PvP Zone**

Mer-cutie-o: Alright so what happened is that we were having a sexy little time playing laser tag

Mer-cutie-o: Romeo was mad that Hamlet had the most points so he uhhh tried to tackle him

Truck 2: yikesssss

Mer-cutie-o: Yeah it freaked him out and in the ensuing scuffle, Romeo’s vape was knocked to the ground and broken because of course he had it out with him

Mer-cutie-o: So then we almost got thrown out! But Juliet, god bless her heart, talked them out of it and we went on to round 2

Mer-cutie-o: Anyways have you guys ever been to that laser tag place? You know how they have those low platforms that annoying little children like to snipe people from?

Truck 2: the platforms are THERE for a REASON and that reason is SNIPING

Mer-cutie-o: Hamlet was sitting below one of them kinda just halfheartedly shooting at people, he wanted to leave but Goneril insisted that he play so that Regan couldn’t take his place and skew the points

Mer-cutie-o: Romeo went to the snack bar before the round started and got 2 of those huge slushies

Truck 2: ohhh noooo i can see where this is going

Mer-cutie-o: Yeah he went up the platform and dumped them on him

Mer-cutie-o: And now we have a lifetime ban for vandalism!

RMontague, The Saddest Simp In The Universe: not my fault

Truck 2: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking:

RMontague, The Saddest Simp In The Universe: maybe a little bit my fault

RMontague, The Saddest Simp in The Universe: but not worth breaking up over :(

RMontague, The Saddest Simp in The Universe: can’t believe she chose hamlet over me

CheckYesJuliet: OH MY GOD YOU IDIOT

CheckYesJuliet: I DID NOT _CHOOSE_ ANYONE’S SIDE

CheckYesJuliet: I AM TIRED OF BEING WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY ADULT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP

CheckYesJuliet: IRONIC, SINCE YOU’RE AN YEAR OLDER THAN ME

Truck 2: holy shit

CheckYesJuliet: Ugh sorry I overreacted a bit

Ophelia: No, let that shit out!!! You’ve been holding back for so long, of _course_ this is the outcome!

CheckYesJuliet: OKAY

CheckYesJuliet: I ALSO HATE YOUR POETRY

CheckYesJuliet: MAYBE I’D HATE IT LESS IF YOU PLANNED JUST ONE DATE THAT DOESN’T JUST INVOLVE HAVING TO LISTEN TO THAT SHIT

CheckYesJuliet: YOUR ENTIRE ATTITUDE, YOUR BEHAVIOR, IT ALL DISGUSTS ME

RMontague, The Saddest Simp in The Universe: wtf

CheckYesJuliet: I’m sorry. I should have said something sooner. But you were the first person I’ve ever dated, and we’ve dated for so long, you know?

CheckYesJuliet: I really thought it was love at first sight back then! I was willing to die for you, which is stupid because we were like 13 and 14 and what kind of 13 year old is serious about that kind of stuff? 

CheckYesJuliet: But then we grew up. Or at least I did. And I just don’t vibe with this anymore!

RMontague, The Saddest Simp in The Universe: are you really gonna say “vibe” while breaking up with me :(

CheckYesJuliet: You RICKROLLED ME the last time I tried to break up with you, Hamlet used BEGONE THOT to break up with Ophelia, I think I can use the word “vibe” to simplify my explanation of my feelings

CheckYesJuliet: We can still be friends, if you want

Ophelia: Are you sure you want to stay friends with him

CheckYesJuliet: People can change, I’m sure you won’t be like this forever Romeo

Ophelia: Famous last words


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, big thanks to everyone who left kudos/comments on the last couple of chapters!

**The PvP Zone**

Get Pucked: Welcome to The Epic of Mr. Clean: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

Horatio: Huh?

Get Pucked: Mr. Clean will fuck your wife  
He will ruin your whole life  
Mr. Clean feels no remorse  
He will kill you like a horse  
Mr. Clean, that bastard rat  
You must kill him with a bat  
Mr. Clean is at your door  
You know what he’s looking for  
Mr. Clean is breaking in  
It’s you or him, just one can win  
Mr. Clean picks up the knife  
Will you fight or lose your life?

Horatio: Why did you write this?

Get Pucked: Is that your final answer?

Horatio: I tell Mr. Clean that I’m gay and have no wife

Get Pucked: Alternate universe. Now pick an answer chop chop

Horatio: Fight...

Get Pucked: Come on guys I see y’all online this is a democracy

The HIGH Priestess: i fight,, guess this is really gonna be my first interaction in this server huh

Laertes: i don’t want to kill mr. clean :(

(Not Ronald) Regan: pussy, i’m gonna destroy that bald lil weasel

Get Pucked: You Fight!  
Mr. Clean, he is not scared  
He knows he is better prepared  
Mr. Clean takes one big stab  
You dodge and give his knife a grab  
Mr. Clean is now disarmed  
He is defenseless but unharmed  
Mr. Clean pulls out a gun  
It seems the fight is not yet done  
Mr. Clean laughs at your bat  
How will you beat him with that?  
Mr. Clean aims at your head  
Do you swing or end up dead?

The HIGH Priestess: i swing!!

Horatio: I suppose I must

(Not Ronald) Regan: GET HIS ASS

Laertes: come on guys do we really have to do this

Get Pucked: You Swing!  
Mr. Clean takes one step back  
And misses most of your attack  
Mr. Clean, his hand’s been hit  
He drops his gun and mutters “shit”  
Mr. Clean has no more guns,  
No more knives, no more weapons  
Mr. Clean, you’ve wrecked his plans  
He rips the bat out of your hands  
Mr. Clean ignores your plea  
He breaks your bat over his knee  
Mr. Clean… begins to weep?  
Do you talk, or go back to sleep?

Horatio: Did you just have all of this pre-written or something?

(Not Ronald) Regan: BOO i thought this would end in bloodshed

The HIGH Priestess: talk?

Laertes: see, peace was always an option

Get Pucked: Mr. Clean demands an answer from everybody.

Horatio: Let’s talk

(Not Ronald) Regan: fine

Get Pucked: You Talk!  
“Mr. Clean, are you okay?”  
You turn to him and softly say.  
He says “I truly loved your wife,  
Sorry for causing all this strife.”  
“You should have called me on the phone,  
You see, my wife, she has a clone.”  
“How dare you? Nothing can replace  
Her charming laugh, her lovely face,  
Could any clone ever compare?  
This pain is more than I can bear.”  
“Mr. Clean, I had her first.  
So entitled, you’re the worst.  
You think she loves you more than me?  
Ha! I simply can’t agree.  
Take the clone or leave my house,  
You’re not getting near my spouse.”  
You hear a noise and turn your back  
Your wife is there, holding a pack  
Of clothes and cash and all her things  
She’s not wearing her wedding ring.  
“I’m sorry.” She begins to cry,  
“But Mr. Clean, he is my guy.  
I once loved you, yes, it’s true,  
But now I love him more than you.”  
Mr. Clean, she takes his hand  
He leads her to the promised land  
Mr. Clean, he leaves your house  
With your wife, beloved spouse  
Mr. Clean begins to run.  
They are both gone.  
This tale is done.  
TRUE END

Laertes: why do you always send things that remind me of my parents’s ruined marriage

(Not Ronald) Regan: are you implying that your mom left your dad for mr. clean

Laertes: i mean that’s the short version it’s kind of complicated

Get Pucked: Wasn’t it a horse that destroyed their marriage?

Laertes: yeah a horse was the breaking point i said it’s complicated

The HIGH Priestess: PLEASE elaborate i’m going to die

Laertes: not right now gtg

(Not Ronald) Regan: and so it remains a mystery…


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> horse divorce

**The PvP Zone**

Laertes: ok im back and ready to talk

Horatio: You don’t have to if you don’t want to, sounds like a personal subject

Laertes: well i thought i shouldnt talk about personal things like that in a group chat but it looks like everyone else is doing it so why not

Get Pucked: FINALLY, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR AGES

Laertes: you know how santa clause is a thing

The HIGH Priestess: our family didn’t have santa. we had a guy dressed as jesus come to our house and preach to us for an hour and then he gave us these

The HIGH Priestess: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/1e/a8/6b/1ea86b5592d56d565dad2d7768b9bcbb--cross-nails-toy-art.jpg

(Not Ronald) Regan: the image isn’t loading can somebody describe it

Horatio: It’s an action figure of Jesus on the cross, “with ninja-messiah throwing nails death killer-cross pump action over-under shotgun”

(Not Ronald) Regan: EXCUSE ME???

The HIGH Priestess: yeah once our parents realized what he was giving us we started getting visits from santa instead

Laertes: cool looks like we all know santa

Laertes: when i was a kid i came home from school early and saw my mom with some bald guy

Laertes: she told me he was mr. clean and he comes to good mothers’s houses to give them cleaning supplies like santa for adults

(Not Ronald) Regan: AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

Horatio: Oh no…

Laertes: i told my dad that mr. clean came to the house and he was like wtf and it turned out mr. clean was actually my uncle

KobraKid: oh fuck dude i’m so sorry that happened to you, i know how hard it is to realize your mom’s been fucking your uncle

Laertes: wtf that’s not what happened

KobraKid: whatever i’m going offline again

Get Pucked: ???????? What is going ON in the Hamlet household??????????

Horatio: Nothing that concerns you

Laertes: ok anyways

Laertes: turned out my uncle did a lot of crimes and things which is why my dad didn’t want him visiting

Laertes: so they had this big fight and later they realized one of the horses were missing

Laertes: my dad’s favourite horse jimmy buffett

Get Pucked: Why is that the horse’s name???

Laertes: so they had another big fight cause my uncle said he didn’t do it but my dad was convinced it was him and in the end he was all like “it’s him or me” and my mom left cause she didn’t want to be with someone who didnt trust her own family

Laertes: me and ophelia still visit her a lot though so things are okay

Laertes: we never did find jimmy buffett

Laertes: he’s probably in horse heaven right now :(

Get Pucked: He’s in Margaritaville


	21. Chapter 21

**The PvP Zone**

Wiccan Queen: DO YOU EVER JUST YEARN? 

CheckYesJuliet: I’m just done with romance for now lmao

RMontague: im sowwy

CheckYesJuliet: No.

**Help**

Benvolio: What is this?

RMontague: group chat for all the guys in relationships cause i need help

KobraKid: AND YOU ADDED ME???????????????????????????????????????

RMontague: i’m sorry there i said it will you help me now

Benvolio: I think the first step for you is to take actual responsibility for your actions

Benvolio: I really should have said something sooner but you kind of have a problem where you just… do whatever you want

Mer-cutie-o: Yeah buddy I used to be like that too cause like, absent workaholic parents = never facing consequences for anything, but I learned to tone it down and so can you! We believe in you!

RMontague: @KobraKid @Horatio what do you guys think

KobraKid: i want you guillotined

RMontague: i said i was sorry :(

Horatio: That’s a start, I guess… but I think you should apologize to Juliet as well, like an _actual_ apology

Horatio: Without expecting her to take you back immediately afterwards

RMontague: ok

RMontague: @KobraKid are you sure you have no advice for me

KobraKid: i’m going to set up juliet and ophelia out of pure spite

Horatio: That’s not very nice for them :(

KobraKid: why? ophelia’s so much better than this clown

Benvolio: I think it’s because you’d have an ulterior motive for setting them up

KobraKid: so if i do it out of the goodness of my own heart it suddenly becomes okay?

Benvolio: Yes

RMontague: wtf guys

Benvolio: Don’t worry Romeo, we’re just speaking hypothetically. Right, Ham? :)

KobraKid: do not call me ham.

Benvolio: :)?

KobraKid: fine i was only speaking hypothetically

Benvolio: Now go talk to Juliet and give her a proper apology!

RMontague: ok

**@CheckYesJuliet**

RMontague: i have things i want to say but first i need to know

RMontague: would you ever date ophelia

CheckYesJuliet: Hmm yeah I can see that happening

**@KobraKid**

RMontague: i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

Clyde[BOT]: Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient.


	22. Chapter 22

**The PvP Zone**

CreeperSlayer: does anyone else want to join the battle for my love

Ophelia: That’s still going on?

CreeperSlayer: yeah laser tag didn’t work out so the next challenge is gonna be in minecraft

Tybalt: imagine still playing minecraft

CreeperSlayer: at least i didnt pay real money for an animal crossing character

Ophelia: Seriously? You’re one of those people? Was it Raymond that you paid for?

Tybalt: leave me alone

CreeperSlayer: last call anybody joining

RMontague: ophelia join

Ophelia: Why on EARTH would I do that

RMontague: dont you want a new boyfriend since hamlet is gone

Ophelia: Dude how desperate do you think I am

Ophelia: Besides if I wanted to date someone new I’d just ask like, Edgar or someone

Ophelia: Or Juliet, now that she’s left your dusty ass :)

RMontague: PLEASE DONT PLEASE DONT PLEASE DONT PLEASE DONT I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE DONT

Ophelia: Jesus christ I wasn’t going to

**Help**

Mer-cutie-o: Wow dude you really need help

RMontague: wtf am i supposed to do

Mer-cutie-o: Have you apologized to Juliet yet?

**@CheckYesJuliet**

RMontague: juliet i am really really sorry that i ruined laser tag it won’t happen again i am sorry

**Help**

RMontague: yeah i did

Mer-cutie-o: Alright, now all you can do is… nothing. Accept that she’s gonna do what she wants, and you shouldn’t try to manipulate that. And in the meantime, try to grow as a person?

Mer-cutie-o: I really, really do believe that you have the potential to change for the better

RMontague: @Benvolio @Horatio @KobraKid any other advice

Mer-cutie-o: Ben already agrees with me, there’s no easy way to solve this. Your future self will thank you for this later

RMontague: why do you have to be so serious all of a sudden

KobraKid: i have no advice but someone convinced me that it’s time for me to forgive you so

KobraKid: i forgive you but do not do that shit again because i _will_ go apeshit and i'm not gonna hesitate

Mer-cutie-o: See, things are already improving now that you’ve apologized to both of them!

**The PvP Zone**

Ophelia: Damn that’s actually a really decent island 

Tybalt: thanks :3 

Ophelia: Still can’t believe you paid real money for a virtual cat though 


	23. Chapter 23

**The PvP Zone**

Get Pucked: I’m bored, who wants to play truth or dare?

Goneril L: what are we, 12 year olds? how would we even do dares online?

Tybalt: maybe we can play the riverdale version secrets and sins

Ophelia: Every time I discover one of your interests it makes me dislike you a little bit more

Tybalt: none of you have any taste at all >:(

Goneril L: boo you guys are lame i’m out of here

CheckYesJuliet: I’m desperately procrastinating on an essay right now so hell yeah I’m playing

KobraKid: sure i’m in

CheckYesJuliet: Goneril is right though, how are we gonna do dares

Get Pucked: Ehh let’s just play truth or truth

Get Pucked: One person asks a question and everyone else has to answer it

Tybalt: or we could play secrets and sins

Get Pucked: We are Not doing that but out of pity I will let you go first

Tybalt: ok if you were to make an animation of you as your fursona what song would be in the background

Ophelia: Why does it have to be of a fursona??? We don’t have fursonas???

KobraKid: welcome to the black parade, obviously

CheckYesJuliet: I choose the song in my username

Get Pucked: I don’t know, that one song that’s like dododododo dododododo dododododo dododododo?

Tybalt: wtf is that

Ophelia: Fine I guess I pick something by Mitski I dunno which song though

KobraKid: oh i recognize that name

KobraKid: horatio tried to send me a playlist he made for me but instead he accidentally sent one called “oh god i am going to die alone god it hurts so much” and half of it was the mitski

Get Pucked: ARE Y’ALL GOOD???

KobraKid: it was an old playlist and he knows he won’t die alone now so yes he’s good :)

Get Pucked: Okay my turn

Get Pucked: Top 3 people you’d date in this server

Ophelia: Juliet, Edgar, Cordelia

Get Pucked: That was FAST

Ophelia: There aren’t a lot of good options in this server to choose from lmaooo

KobraKid: i pass on this question

Get Pucked: That’s fair

Tybalt: cordelia, goneril, regan

Get Pucked: DO YOU HAVE A FETISH OR SOMETHING???

Tybalt: WHY DON’T YOU REVEAL YOUR TOP 3 IF YOU’RE GONNA JUDGE

Get Pucked: Nope :)

CheckYesJuliet: I don’t really know tbh… maybe Ophelia, Benvolio I guess… I don’t know??

Get Pucked: That’s fair too

KobraKid: oh my god romeo is gonna lose his shit

CheckYesJuliet: Not my problem anymore


	24. Not an Actual Chapter

I was going to post this as a note at the beginning of a chapter, but I felt kinda weird about talking about this and then immediately moving on to some haha funny discord memes, so here's the note on its own.

I'm sure most of you are aware of what's been happening in the world regarding Black Lives Matter and have already seen many posts on how to help, but just in case, I'm gonna drop a few links to resources and such for those who might not have seen them.

Masterposts of petitions, donation pages, etc:  
https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vSrT26HMWX-_hlLfiyy9s95erjkOZVJdroXYkU-miaHRk58duAnJIUWKxImRkTITsYhwaFkghS8sfIF/pub  
https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/  
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l0TGDdHJIO6FGkKNWBBXINUmfGSXdM8eK6eY2ZmrK8Q/mobilebasic  
(The last link is Canada-specific)

Ways you can donate if you don't have money to spare:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCgLa25fDHM&feature=youtu.be  
https://tab.gladly.io/  
https://justsomeantifas.tumblr.com/post/619897410460827648

This might seem like an odd place to be posting about an important topic, but it didn't sit right with me that I have a platform but wasn't using it to say anything. Black lives matter. Police are corrupt. We can make a difference. Thanks for reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last thing: I'm not implying that people should feel bad if they haven't used AO3 to spread awareness or anything! Spreading things on social media is only a teeny tiny part of what can be done for the cause; as long as you're doing _something,_ that's good! Please stay safe if you're planning on attending a protest, it's been said a million times but turn off the location and data on your phone, wear a mask, make sure you're with a friend or a group, etc!


	25. Chapter 25

**The PvP Zone**

Get Pucked: Who’s next? Ophelia?

RMontague: are we playing a game

KobraKid: oh god oh fuck ahaha

Tybalt: scroll up you dusty little bitch haha

CheckYesJuliet: Come on guys let’s be nice

RMontague: its okay everyone :)

RMontague: juliet you can totally date ophelia i’m 100% cool with that

RMontague: because i learned about this thing called a polycule

Get Pucked: JESUS CHRIST HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

RMontague: its such a good idea guys we can all be in a polycule and then there will be no couple drama ever again

Tybalt: i would rather have you stab me to death than be in ANY kind of relationship with you

RMontague: actually i asked guildenstern about this and he told me there’s actually 4 types of love

RMontague: romantic, platonic, hate, and a threesome where 2 people hate each other and the 3rd person makes sure they don’t kill each other

Ophelia: Huh? I thought it would be more like, romantic, platonic, familial, self-love?

Get Pucked: I AM HYPERVENTILATING @Truck 2 EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW

RMontague: tybalt you can be my hate boyfriend in the polycule

Tybalt: I’M NOT YOUR ANYTHING I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR OWN BONES

CheckYesJuliet: Look, before this goes any further, I am going to say I am not polyamorous

RMontague: how would i know if you were, you didn’t tell me you were bi

CheckYesJuliet: I did, you said “no you’re not, you’re dating me”

Ophelia: OH MY GOD

Ophelia: JULIET HOW DID YOU NOT LEAVE HIM RIGHT THEN AND THERE

RMontague: can you guys at least consider the polycule :(

KobraKid: my heart belongs to horatio and horatio ONLY

Get Pucked: I’m generally fine with exploring my sexuality and stuff but this is the absolute last group I'd want to experience polyamory with

Get Pucked: ESPECIALLY IN A H*MESTUCK POLYCULE

RMontague: what’s a h*mestuck?

Ophelia: This place is a clownshow. @CheckYesJuliet check other chat

**Cool Girlz Squad**

Ophelia: Are you okay? Like, has Romeo been bothering you like this since the breakup?

CheckYesJuliet: He’s been switching between like, sincere and apologetic to… that

CheckYesJuliet: At least he’s trying to change, I guess

Ophelia: Well, if you need a distraction, I’m having a movie night at my house tomorrow with Hamlet, Horatio, and my brother, and you’re welcome to come :)

CheckYesJuliet: I do need a distraction, just remind me where your house is :)

**The PvP Zone**

RMontague: i’m serious what’s a h*mestuck why is it censored is it a bad word

Get Pucked: I wish it was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I just keep making Romeo worse and worse,,, we all know who Juliet really deserves OuO


	26. Chapter 26

**The PvP Zone**

Truck 1: i’m bored someone talk to me

Wiccan Queen: I’M DOWN TO TALK

Cordelia: Looks like you still haven’t gotten your keyboard fixed :0

Truck 1: guildenstern passed out after combining nyquil with 5 hour energy shot and all my other friends are hanging out with ophelia

Cordelia: Is he okay?

Truck 1: i’ve got one hand on his pulse and 911 on speed dial he’ll be fine

Wiccan Queen: AREN’T YOU PART OF THEIR FRIEND GROUP? WHY ARE YOU BEING ALL LONELY AT HOME?

Truck 1: because i can’t take it anymore

Truck 1: at every movie night. laertes gets to pick the first movie because the tv is in his room. and every single time. he picks paul blart mall cop 2

Truck 1: i’ve seen paul blart mall cop 2 so much that the first 10 minutes are ingrained into my mind scene by scene!!!!!!

Wiccan Queen: DOES HE ACTUALLY LIKE THAT MOVIE???

Truck 1: yes. also i’ve seen the other dvds he owns. all 6 sharknados. grown ups 1 and 2. howard the duck

**Help**

RMontague: guys i screwed up really badly didn’t i

Benvolio: At least you’re self-aware, what made you realize?

RMontague: me and juliet have fought before but she always forgave me like 10 minutes afterwards

RMontague: but now it’s been like 2 weeks and we’re still not back together

RMontague: and when she brought up that thing i said like last year about her not being bi cause she’s dating me i was like wtf that was so long ago 

RMontague: but then i guess i realized it wasn’t just getting banned from laser tag that made her so mad

RMontague: i’ve been doing things she doesn’t like for like a year and i didn’t know that till now

Benvolio: Do you know why you didn’t know that?

RMontague: cause she didn’t tell me?

Benvolio: No, cause you weren’t listening. But it’s never too late to start :)

Benvolio: I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t think she’ll take you back

Benvolio: But if you start communicating with people, taking them into consideration, and working on that impulse control, it will make your future relationships so much better 

RMontague: i’ll try but idk if it will work

Benvolio: The fact that you’re willing to try is already a step in the right direction :)

**The PvP Zone**

Cordelia: Maybe you could try showing up an hour after the movie night starts, so you miss most of Paul Blart 

Cordelia: I’m sure the others have better taste :)

Truck 1: they do but then other weird shit happens

Truck 1: horatio got emotional watching the facebook movie once

Truck 1: the movie?? about mark zuckerberg???? who gets emotional over mark zuckerberg????????

Wiccan Queen: THE SOCIAL NETWORK IS THE GREATEST LOVE STORY OF OUR GENERATION FUCK YOU

Truck 1: what is wrong with you people it’s MARK ZUCKERBERG

Truck 1: you guys will really say eat the rich and then cry over mark zuckerberg???

Wiccan Queen: MARK ZUCKERBERG IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER INVENTED BY THE SOCIAL NETWORK. I WILL NOT ELABORATE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what actually happens if you mix Nyquil with 5 Hour Energy but I'm going to assume either death or meet god


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some context: "Denmark" is just the discord server that the Hamlet characters have for themselves

**Denmark**

Ophelia: Welcome to the better discord serverrrr

CheckYesJuliet: Aw thanks guys :)

Truck 1: wtf nobody asked us if we were cool with a new member >:(

Truck 2: proof that rosenstern and guildencrantz are no longer wanted… cherished… loved…

Truck 2: jk we’re cool with juliet being here

Truck 1: how was paul blart mall cop?

Truck 1: or as i call it, CBT: cop and blart torture

Ophelia: Oh actually our tv kinda broke so we just blasted some tunes and vibed while my brother tried to fix it

Ophelia: There were… a few impromptu performances

Truck 1: wow we haven’t done that since like middle school

Truck 1: probably cause it seemed like a cringe thing that only middle schoolers do

KobraKid: its only cringe if you just stand there and sing and do nothing else

KobraKid: or if you sing that weird parody of fergalicious that nobody understands except you @Truck 2

Truck 2: we get it you have an entire performance choreographed to a my chemical romance song while the rest of us just stand there singing our cringe songs into the hairbrush microphone like god intended

KobraKid: who DOESN’T have an entire performance choreographed to mama by my chemical romance, living in their brain rent free?

Horatio: I thought it was a nice performance, I’ve only listened to like 3 MCR songs but your voice really fits :)

KobraKid: aw thanks dude, also shoutout @Ophelia for killing it on those liza minelli vocals

CheckYesJuliet: Oh my god guys what if we started a band?

CheckYesJuliet: I’ve seen Ophelia absolutely rocking it on the guitar during some open mic nights, plus a lot of those songs she wrote by herself!

CheckYesJuliet: Hamlet has that angsty edgelord voice and angsty edgelord stage presence, I know how to play the bass, and Horatio knows how to play the piano! We’ve got a whole band here!

Truck 2: rosenstern and guildencrantz forgotten again… abandoned… thrown aside… :’(

Ophelia: Not true! Rosencrantz, you played the drums in like 9th grade music class, right?

Truck 2: and what about me :’(

Ophelia: ...We’ll give you a cowbell

Truck 2: perfect >:)

Horatio: Are we going to be like, an emo band? Cause I’ve really only listened to that one band, I’m not too familiar with the genre as a whole…

KobraKid: that’s fine dude, we’ll blend all our tastes in music into one big megagenre! you’ll sound great <3

Truck 1: this genre shall be called… indie emo pop alt-rock lemon demon tiktok music core!

KobraKid: alright which one of you considers tiktok music to be your favourite genre

Truck 2: tiktok cosplayer music is really catchy okay?? there’s a reason we all use like the same 100 songs!

KobraKid: “we”? you’re one of them? you have a secret cosplay tiktok?

CheckYesJuliet: Oh yeah, I remember you showed up on my fyp once and I ended up scrolling through a big chunk of your page, impressive stuff

KobraKid: oh my god please tell me who he cosplays as

CheckYesJuliet: Some grey dude with horns, a purple haired checker dude, dude in a hawaiian shirt? Is that one even a character? The Onceler, I don’t remember the rest

KobraKid: I KNEW IT

KobraKid: I KNEW YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE ONCELER PEOPLE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a secret tiktok cosplayer and I like the one Onceler cosplayer I've seen 😳  
> Also I started this chapter with the intention of making Juliet x Ophelia happen but I realized it feels kinda rushed to make them get together as fast as the Danish "we were already yearning for each other for a While before our relationship plotline happened" boyfriends, so I guess this fanfic has its first "won't just get resolved within a couple of chapters" type of plotline now? So that's new I guess!   
> As always, thanks for the kudos and comments, I'm really glad people enjoy this :)


	28. Chapter 28

**The PvP Zone**

Horatio: Hey everyone, me and Hamlet and Ophelia and a bunch of other people here are in a band now, come see us next Saturday at the Error Cafe!

Tybalt: that's a shitty cafe name

HecateMagica: Sounds cool, what kind of music are you guys playing?

KobraKid: indie emo pop alt-rock lemon demon tiktok music core

Tybalt: why would anyone want to listen to that

HecateMagica: Oh hell yeah I've been looking for more weird shit to listen to

HecateMagica: I've been playing the same 100 gecs songs on repeat for the past 2 days and I'm bored

Horatio: Hope to see you guys there :)

HecateMagica: Do you like, have a setlist or something?

Mer-cutie-o: Holy shit I just googled where that place is and why are you guys playing in some tiny shady cafe in the middle of nowhere???

KobraKid: laertes is our manager kinda guy and that's the venue he got us

Mer-cutie-o: It's literally the only building within like several miles of cornfields

Mer-cutie-o: How do they stay in business???????

Tybalt: i've been there

Mer-cutie-o: Why????

Tybalt: got lost and needed hydration

Horatio: @HecateMagica here's the setlist:  
Fire and Fate (original song)  
5 Minutes of Extreme Cowbell  
Die Anywhere Else (cover)  
Eurydice (original song)  
How Bad Can I Be (cover)  
Mama by My Chemical Romance EXTREME EDITION

Mer-cutie-o: Wow, I truly cannot wait to hear one of you sing How Bad Can I Be while sitting in a dilapidated cafe in the middle of a cornfield

Mer-cutie-o: That's not sarcasm, I'm not gonna get that kinda experience anywhere else!

RMontague: my_apology_video.mp4

KobraKid: oh god

HecateMagica: I'll take the bullet and watch it so none of you have to

HecateMagica: Awesome start, he's sitting in a dim room staring at the camera while some e-boy song plays in the background :/

HecateMagica: TRANSCRIPT: Hey guys, I know I did some bad shit so now I am apologizing for it. Juliet, sorry about um everything I did, and if you still wanna be friends I'll try to listen more. 

HecateMagica: Okay damn that's actually pretty mature even if it's kinda vague

Mer-cutie-o: Yeah, great start dude!

HecateMagica: TRANSCRIPT: Also sorry about the bi thing, I didn't know a lot about that stuff back then. And also I don't know a lot about poly stuff either so sorry to the polyamorous people here if the polycule thing was inappropriate or something. I think that covers everything, bye.

HecateMagica: Then he vapes and turns off the camera

HecateMagica: Wow that actually wasn't as bad as I expected, I know most of the apology was for Juliet but thanks for acknowledging that your idea of polyamory was inaccurate :)

Mer-cutie-o: You're definitely moving in the right direction, I'll pin the video so Juliet can see it!

RMontague: thanks bro 

RMontague: also @Tybalt you better not say anything else about our cornfield trip

Mer-cutie-o: WHAT?

KobraKid: damn i thought you two hated each other how’d you end up cornfielding together lmaoooo

Tybalt: oh i was 100% planning on killing him and leaving his body to be eaten by vultures or something

Mer-cutie-o: Are there vultures in cornfields???

RMontague: wtf you said you were driving me out of the goodness of your own heart

Tybalt: why would you believe me

Tybalt: i’m like cheryl from riverdale… dangerous… deadly…

HecateMagica: Dude why did you want to go to some random cornfield?

RMontague: shhhh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who's been leaving kudos and commenting on this fanfic, your responses make me super happy and I'm glad that you guys are enjoying this :')


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aghhsjdf thanks for bearing with me when I take like 82346782 weeks to update,,, loss of motivation go brrrrrrr

**@KobraKid**

CheckYesJuliet: What if I started crushing on your ex-girlfriend literally like a month after my breakup… haha just kidding… unless?

KobraKid: oh god why am i the one you’re asking

KobraKid: i mean i think you guys would be good for each other but it took literally an entire group chat to help me with horatio so uhhhhhhhhh

CheckYesJuliet: Sorry, I just figured you’d know her well enough to tell me if I’m on the wrong track

KobraKid: do you want me to make you a group chat

CheckYesJuliet: Absolutely not.

CheckYesJuliet: I also feel like, kinda bad? Is it too soon for me to be liking someone else? Do I even like her in that way or do I just really really like being friends with her? 

KobraKid: edmund literally tried to date goneril and regan at the same time, i think you can like someone a full month after your horrible garbagefire relationship crashed and burned without having to feel bad about it

**@Mer-cutie-o**

KobraKid: hey you’re good at relationship stuff how do you figure out if you like like someone or just really like being friends with them

Mer-cutie-o: Why do you ask?

KobraKid: for a friend

Mer-cutie-o: Do you feel attracted to them? I assume most people don’t think about making out with their friends

Mer-cutie-o: Do you feel jealous at the thought of them dating someone even if they were to spend the same amount of time with you as usual?

Mer-cutie-o: Just some questions to ask yourself I guess, I never really had that problem so I’m not too sure

KobraKid: thanks, i'll pass that on to my friend

Mer-cutie-o: Sure go do that buddy

**@Benvolio**

Mer-cutie-o: Holy shit Hamlet and Horatio might be breaking up this is so sad

Benvolio: Really? Why?

Mer-cutie-o: Ham’s asking me this stuff about ohh how do you know if you truuuly like someone or just really like their friendship and I’m like. Bro

Benvolio: Alas… poor Horatio :(

Benvolio: He’s gonna need a shoulder to lean on :(

**@CheckYesJuliet**

Benvolio: Hey, you and Horatio have been hanging out a lot cause of band practice, right?

CheckYesJuliet: Yeah, I think I’m basically part of that friend group now

Benvolio: Well I think he’s gonna need a kind shoulder to lean on some time in the next few weeks, just giving you a heads up 

CheckYesJuliet: Omg did something happen?

Benvolio: Swear you won’t tell him?

CheckYesJuliet: Of course not

Benvolio: Hamlet might be breaking up with him soon

CheckYesJuliet: Really??? How do you know??

Benvolio: He asked Mercutio how he could tell the difference between liking someone romantically and just really appreciating their friendship

CheckYesJuliet: God fucking damn it tell Mercutio that there’s no breakup happening

**@KobraKid**

CheckYesJuliet: You absolute buffoon.

KobraKid: oops


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I lost my motivation to write and then lowkey forgot this existed,,, but now I remember that it exists!! This chapter has been influenced by,,, recent internet happenings,,, I swear this fic just gets more incomprehensible as time goes on

**The PvP Zone**

HecateMagica: Good morning to monster energy drinkers, people who unironically say “owo”, waffle house arsonists, unironic homestuck kinnies, people who listen to hyperpop, failed twitch streamers, tumblr users who donated to all or nothing, vitamin deficient motherfuckers, people who can’t decide on a favourite colour, and rat enthusiasts

Goneril L: wtf is this new meme format

Truck 2: wow, i’m all of those!

Goneril L: wow, i’m like, none of them

Get Pucked: Woah woah go back a second, unironic Homestuck kinnie???

Get Pucked: DROP YOUR KINLIST

Truck 2: sure :)

Truck 2: nepeta - homestuck  
kokichi - danganronpa  
the kool aid man  
todd - bojack horseman  
taako - the adventure zone

Truck 2: hmm who am i forgetting

Get Pucked: THE KOOL AID MAN????

Truck 2: oh right, lightning mcqueen from cars and tim from the magnus archives

Get Pucked: I REPEAT, THE KOOL AID MAN??????????????

Mer-cutie-o: Dude you’re focusing on the wrong thing here

Mer-cutie-o: YOU DONATED TO ALL OR NOTHING???

Truck 2: it seemed like a good idea at the time

Truck 2: like you haven’t donated to some weird shit before!

HecateMagica: What have I begun…

Horatio: What’s all or nothing? Also, what’s a kinnie?

Truck 2: shh, you don’t need to know, my martin kinnie friend

Horatio: I know who Martin is, I just don't know the kinnie part

Goneril L: it’s alright dude i’m confused too

Get Pucked: Please, I beg of you, explain to us your reasoning behind kinning the kool aid man

Truck 2: omg i can’t believe i forgot the will smith fish from shark tale, that was one of my first kins

Get Pucked: Are you really just gonna act like you don’t see my messages?????

Mer-cutie-o: What else have you donated to? Dashcon?? Did you go to Dashcon????? Bet you stole some fucking human bones while you were there

Get Pucked: Bet he was the one who peed in the ballpit

HecateMagica: @Horatio message me and I’ll give you a detailed explanation on what these people are talking about

Mer-cutie-o: Don’t do it Horatio, ignorance is bliss

Truck 2: i know you had some kind of weird tumblr phase horatio don’t try to hide it i’ve known you for years

Horatio: I mean, I’ve used it, yeah, but I’ve mostly been on the normal side of things? 

Get Pucked: I seriously doubt that’s even POSSIBLE

Truck 2: yeah i get the feeling someone’s hiding somethinggggg

Truck 2: we’ll find out what your phase was eventually :)

HecateMagica: Oh holy shit speaking of weird tumblr shit guess what

Goneril L: oh boy time for another thing i won’t understand

HecateMagica: Get ready for this

HecateMagica: DESTIEL IS CANON

Horatio: WHAT???????????????????????????????????

Truck 2: there it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only my high school english teachers could see me now, still analyzing Shakespeare characters but for the purpose of making kinlists and deciding which characters would have been on 2013 tumblr


	31. Chapter 31

**The PvP Zone**

CreeperSlayer: i have an important announcement

Edgar: Have you finished your calculus homework?

CreeperSlayer: fuck off you’re not my real brother

CreeperSlayer: anyways i just got back from the doctor and he says i have bofa

KobraKid: wild. anyways does anyone know how to make a cowbell not sound bad

The HIGH Priestess: you’re on your own pal

CreeperSlayer: it’s very deadly and i might pass away

The HIGH Priestess: try not using the cowbell, that might work

KobraKid: but then what will guil play :(

Edgar: You could put him in a big foam animal costume and have him be the band’s mascot!

KobraKid: we do not approve of furry shit

CreeperSlayer: ask me what bofa is

Edgar: Furries aren’t that weird to be honest, I think it’s pretty normal to draw pictures of neon-coloured wolves that look like people

KobraKid: you might have a point there

KobraKid: still not doing it though, where would we even find a mascot suit?

The HIGH Priestess: try the landfill

CreeperSlayer: ask me what bofa is

KobraKid: i’m not going to dig through a landfill to find a mascot costume

KobraKid: who would even want to wear a gross moth-eaten plastic wolf head that’s been rotting in the trash for years

The HIGH Priestess: do it for the environment

KobraKid: dude i am not going to go through what is probably the plot of some shitty c-tier horror movie just for a shitty mascot costume

Edgar: It won’t be scary if you go during the day!

CreeperSlayer: c’mon somebody ask me what bofa is

Edgar: No, do your homework

CreeperSlayer: shut the FUCK up i’m going to tell dad you’re planning to kill him

The HIGH Priestess: woah buddy that’s a lot of escalation

CreeperSlayer: he’s ruining the joke someone needs to ask me what bofa is

The HIGH Priestess: anyways it’s the mascot suit or it’s the cowbell take your pick

KobraKid: i pick cowbell

CreeperSlayer: @(Not Ronald) Regan @Goneril L whoever asks me what bofa is first gets to date me

Edgar: I wish I could come to the concert but I’m so swamped with work… I’ll be there in spirit though!

KobraKid: thanks man, we’re all pretty excited

The HIGH Priestess: i tried to start a band too in like the 9th grade and we broke up during our 3rd rehearsal because of our wildly different opinions on whether mozzarella sticks were called mozzarella sticks or mozzarella nuggets

KobraKid: who tf calls them nuggets?????

CreeperSlayer: ASK ME WHAT BOFA IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


End file.
